Where I am today

Living in your friends' guest room provides interesting introspection on what you find valuable about yourself. You realize what you want, what you'd do to get it, and what you're willing to sacrifice to make the things you dream about a reality. It also hones those dreams into tangible things. Tyler Durden says "it's only when you've lost everything that you're free to do anything" and I suppose I'm a slight shift from that. It's only now that I've destabilized everything that I can decide what I want most to be stable.

My life tends to divide neatly into sections: romance, work, school, family, friends, mostly separate with their own set of goals and rules. I have the ability to reinvent most of them. My friendships have all changed recently. Jess and I aren't on speaking terms, Matt found Karen and is working on that, Steve and Lesley got married, Heather just broke up with Nina, Mandy Moved off to Santa Cruz and is slowly becoming a hippie; everywhere I look it seems like people are reinventing who they are, and because of that, I'm offered a lot of flexibility in where I can fit into their lives as well.

So this is where things decide themselves. Today is the sixth. A week from today and I'll be looking at the future--my future. I'm supposed to interview for a job in SF working for a company Heather works for. They need an account manager, and I'm a good fit, apparently. The possibility has shaken a lot of the things I consider stable in my life, and that's left me even more disjointed than before.

My Family's been pretty stable. Everyone has their lives mostly figured out, so I don't have much drama on that end. I know where I fit, so there's no need to restructure there.

But where does that leave the rest of things? I dread the future sometimes. The possibility that my path is the wrong one. That I may be severing ties I shouldn't be. That maybe being my own boss is just more difficult and I should stick it out till it becomes something more. All I know is I'm tired of not moving, and I can't see the forest for the trees. Sometimes you've got to run till you can see the edge, then turn around and hope you went the right way.

I know I'll be okay, I just hope that I'm better than that sooner rather than later, and that I'm someone who I'm proud to be again soon.